It was with great sadness that Ad to the Bone headquarters said goodbye to its elephantine, late-70s, piece-of-sh*t, hand-me-down-several-times-over Zenith console television set late last week. Granted, its color capabilities had been diminished to black and blue and white for quite some time, it needed a wedge placed under its right front half to keep the interior wiring connected and the screen from “pooming” down into nothing but a big bright dot in the center, and required an almost-daily Fonzie Thump on its side to properly turn back on, but it was family and we loved it.

Sure, nowadays we have HD, LCD, Plasma, 1080p, 120 hz, 16:9 and actual working remote controls, but at what price!? Is it really worth giving up disco-rific Zenithy features like “Color Sentry,” “Space Command” and the timeless membrane keypad technology shared with Big Trak and the Atari 400 just so that we can enjoy an evening of state-of-the-art prime time entertainment and plenty of commercial interruptions? We say “No!”

Well, actually, we say “Yes,” and our new toy is uber-awesome, but consider this… Thirty years from now in 2038, how many of us will still be watching television on our currently “future-proof” Sony BRAVIAs, Sharp AQUOSes, and Pioneer KUROs? And also, what’s with all that upper-case brand name crap?