The commercial opens in a cul-de-sac with ranch-style mid-1980s houses at daybreak.
A door opens, and Matthew McConaughey appears carrying a full kitchen garbage bag.
Not quite sure what to do, he sets it down in the middle of the driveway and goes back inside.
[Lincoln logo]
[Late afternoon in the United States Senate Chamber. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is addressing the room.]
Mitch McConnell: “…therefore, we all agree that President Donald Trump has the handsomest and firmest buttocks in Ameri… Lindsey, are you eating a cookie? You’re going to ruin your supper!”
Lindsey Graham: “Fuck off, Mitch. It’s not a cookie; it’s a Newton! Besides, what does it matter? We all sold our souls to the devil and that bloated cheeto* has dirt on us all!”
McConnell: “I say I say, how dare you insult our Dear Supreme Leader…”
Graham: “He calls you ‘Mitch the Bitch’ you know.”
McConnell: [Sputters Southernly]
Rand Paul: “Dammit, Lindsey! Are those my fuckin’ Newtons!?”
Graham: [stuffing more Newtons in his mouth] “No. Fuck off.”
[Paul tackles Graham. McConnell tries to reestablish dominance by inflating his neck wattle but is ignored. The rest of the Senators join the fracas.]
[A package of Nabisco Newtons appears on screen along with new tagline.]
Voiceover: “Fuck off. It’s a Newton!”
Singout: ♬ Na-bis-co! ♬
End.
*Used generically to annoy Frito-Lay.
After seeing a Dior Sauvage commercial, I have learned that Johnny Depp has no clue how to use a shovel.
My freshman year of college at Moorhead State University (now Minnesota State University Moorhead) was not a pleasant one.
My first assigned roommate in Neumaier Hall was eventually kicked out of the building by our third floor RA. He went on to become a wanted cult leader and was featured in the “Cults, Religion & Mind Control” episode of E!’s THS Investigates.
My second assigned roommate in Neumaier Hall was a fellow who brought and stored an AK-something and a couple of full ammo cans in our dorm room. Blah blah Russian made blah blah Chinese assault blah blah semi-automatic but blah blah filed the blah blah now fully automatic blah blah. On more than one occasion, I’d come home and open the dorm room door to find him naked on his lower dorm bunk, cleaning his rifle. Not a euphemism, although it is also a euphemism. One evening while I was at work, our dorm room was raided by a cop/fed combo and after the RA filled me in later that night, I never saw him or heard about him again.
But the worst part of my freshman year was a TV commercial for Friendly Motors that aired late at night. In it, there was a portly man wearing a white suit and white cowboy hat like Boss Hogg on The Dukes of Hazzard. There might’ve been a donkey or mule standing beside him in the car lot. The man wore a mask and opened the commercial with, “Hi! I’m the Loan Arranger!”
I still have nightmares.
They later demolished Neumaier Hall. I assume they did that so that nobody else had to go through what I went through.
Actual transcript from a Danimals commercial:
Girl: “What’s with the cool music?”
Boy: “We’ve been squeezefaced!”
Girl: “Squeezefaced?”
Boy: “From the deliciousness of Danimals Squeezables! Wanna get your squeeze on?”
Girl: “Bring it on!”
Boy: “Whoa! Cool!”
Girl: “It’s so good!”
Boy: “This is awesome!”
Boy: “Double squeezeface!”
Girl: “Look!”
Boy: “Whoa!”
Girl: “Wanna try one?”
Principal: “Wow!”
Boy and Girl: “School rocks!”
Girl: “New Danimals Squeezables!”
Boy: “Squeeze more fun into lunch!”
When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember that I don’t work on the Dannon Danimals account and then I don’t feel so bad.
I thought that TV commercial seemed familiar.
