No, this isn’t an ad for Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice; it’s for bananas!

Bone shards:

Who is Luther Burbank, the dude mentioned in the body copy? Without him, there wouldn’t be french fries.

Ever hear of a banana republic? You can thank these guys for that.

There are over a thousand different types of bananas, including the ice cream banana.

Did you know those gross stringy things on a banana have a name? Phloem bundles! That’s one of my favorite bits of useless knowledge.

Stephen Colbert and Gwen Stefani once argued over the spelling of bananas.

The ad copy:

A funny thing happened on the way to a better banana.

When you already grow the best bananas in the world and try to make them even better, some pretty funny things can happen.

Like that…er, well… thing you see below.

And that’s just one of some 800 triangular-shaped, flat-topped, red-skinned, orange-pulped, apple-flavored bananas we’ve been working with over the past seven years.

Now we’re not claiming to be any Luther Burbank of the banana world. But as far as we know, we’re practically the only people around who are doing any work to improve the banana. 

And it’s paying off.

Our bananas today are a far cry from the bananas they were five years ago.

They’re meatier. They’re plumper. And they’ve never been sweeter. The peels are tighter and sleeker. They have much nicer bloom. Nicer sheen. And a generally all-around better appearance.

Now. If we could only get a banana to juice like an orange. And keep like a coconut. But still taste like a banana.

Well, you can’t knock a guy for trying.

Chiquita Brand Bananas.

Chiquita is a registered trademark of United Fruit Company.