Popular answers: “Do not enter.” “Dead end.” “Stop.”

Sadly rare answer: “Slow children playing.”

1969 magazine ad for Smirnoff vodka. Umm… What’s with the tree? IS IT A SATAN TREE!?

Back when I was a kid, certain stores would sell horoscopes up by their cash registers.* Each astrological sign’s monthly readings rolled up into a tight little scroll. Thanks to my church, I knew never to buy one lest I BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY IF I EVEN TOUCHED ONE, but I was always curious as to what secrets they would unfurl.

Now thanks to this ad, I finally know! Looks like Cancer’s drink is a Moscow Mule, and I’m ok with that.

*Even though some people insist on calling this sort of thing Point Of Sale, I prefer Point of Purchase because “POS” means something very different these days.

The copy:

Taurus meets Virgo in the clear world of Smirnoff.

Whatever sign you were born under, there’s a Smirnoff drink to match your mood and taste. From sunny Screwdrivers to sparkling Martinis, the entire Smirnoff constellation reads crystal clear. Because Smirnoff is refined and filtered to be measurably clearer. But caution: Be wary of sly imposters in dark places.

Smirnoff leaves you breathless.

What’s the drink for your sign? Find out. FREE Astrological Drink Recipe Book. Write Smirnoff, P.O. Box 2016, Dept. AN, Hartford, Conn. 06101