It’s fifteen minutes of shame. And potassium.
Reluctantly acknowledging larger body types, Victoria’s Secret finally unveiled the name of their new lingerie line.
Exhibit A
Narrator: “The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.”
– Idiocracy, 2006
__________
Exhibit B
Girl 1: “We’re here at Acne HQ looking for answers.”
Girl 2: “…’cuz this is where all the big science braniacs hang out.”
– Clean & Clear commercial, 2010
Vowels
A grade school teacher uses basic reading and ‘riting skills to solve playground crime.
Bowels
A gastroenterologist uses her knowledge of the alimentary canal to solve crime.
Mousse
A Canadian chef uses the power of light and creamy desserts to solve crime.
Civics
An immigrant with an exceptional knowledge of the Constitution uses the power of citizenship to solve crime.
Scrappy
A underdeveloped canine uses puppy power to solve crime.
Icing
A former professional hockey player uses his skating skills and love of pastries to fight and solve crime.
Pressed
A disgraced dry cleaner uses his knowledge of steam and stains to solve crime.
Overdue
A librarian nearing retirement uses the power of the Dewey Decimal System to find lost and missing books, people, and perhaps even love.
Laid Out
An advertising agency art director uses the powers of Adobe software, balance, black clothes and belligerence to solve design crime.
Sold in the United States as “Sour Puckerooms Gummies”, I think we now know how Mr. Wonka controls his poor Oompa-Loompas and the general Oompa-Loompa population.
We can only hope and pray that he never brings Wonka’s Doompety Doo to market.
Back in 1925, an advertising phenomenon was born with the Burma-Shave highway sign campaign, eventually rhyming its way across America and up to the number two brand/sales position for brushless shaving cream. Since then, Burma-Shave’s legendary star may have fallen, but the time is right to hit the information highway and resurrect this legendary product and campaign for the short attention spans and precariously erratic grooming habits of the Internet age. Myself included.
So without further ado, here’s 21 brand-spanking-new Burma-Shave rhyming-type poems to get things rolling again in 2010:
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Commercials: 29%
Bob Costas: 18%
NBC Promos: 13%
Random Polar Bear Documentaries: 5%
Explaining About Canada, Metric System: 18%
Investigating Mysterious Lack of Penguins: 3%
Actual Olympic Footage (Time Delay): 15%
While cleaning out some storage space today, we unearthed a bit of tech history that Cupertino thought lost forever – the original and still-working Apple proof of concept iPod prototype (codenamed “iHernia”) from 1999. Luckily, they figured out how to scale the thing down by 2001.
How it ended up in the storage basement of a Bismarck, North Dakota ad agency, nobody seems to know, but now the bigger question is: “Museum or eBay?”
Never before published in Kentucky Fried Chicken’s official history or Colonel Harland David Sanders’ biography, it has now been revealed that the Colonel suffered from dissociative identity disorder in his later years after selling the corporation to John Y. Brown, Jr. in 1964. Continue reading