Category Archives: jus’ some writin’

A Throwback Thursday Special Edition from my alter-ego days: Fervor Sauce!

Look, Ma! I made the cover!

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What if the monster truck rally radio commercial voiceover guy normally talks like that?

At a Starbucks:
“VENTI VENTI VENTI!!!”

Buying a toilet at Lowe’s:
“WHY DO I HAVE TO BUY THE WHOLE SEAT IF I ONLY NEED THE EDGE!?!?”

At the ballet:
“YOU CALL THAT A PIROUETTE!?!?”

Deer hunting with his pals:
“IT MUST HAVE SMELLED US!!!”

At a funeral:
“SHE’S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW!!!”

At a ski resort:
“AVALANCHE!!! ANOTHER AVALANCHE!!!”

Discussing the weather:
“IT’S NOT THE HEAT!!! IT’S THE HUMIDITY!!!”

In the kitchen:
“MY SOUFFLÉ!!!”

At the proctologist:
“MY BOWELS ARE ALREADY SHAKING!!!”

In space:
“………………..!!!”

At a public library:
“I HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE IN HERE AS EVERYBODY ELSE!!!”

Calling the family cat in at night:
“MISTER WHISKERS!!! MISTER WHISKERS!!! HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!!!”

Checking on his children at midnight:
“ARE YOU ASLEEP!?!?”

Some Beer Cereals

Alepha-Bits

Honey Bunches of Hops

Rolled Milwaukee

Michelobran

Kellogg’s Foamy Flakes

Honey Nut Beerios

Killian’s Crunch

Another Reason Why You Should Talk To Strangers

(After almost running into a couple’s shopping cart while going around a corner at Big Lots during the Friends & Family weekend event…*)

Me: “Excuse me.”

Her: “Sorry.”

Me: “It’s like a demolition derby in here.”

Him: “Especially with her driving.”

Me: “Someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight.”

Her: “I’m thinking the garage.”

__________

*I’m on a budget.

Branding Nabisco a Little Bit Better

“Triscuit minis”

Tsk tsk tsk… Your product extension naming has gotten a little uninspired, Nabisco!

You did pretty good with Ritz Bits and Nutter Butter Bites, but with Mini Oreo, Mini Nilla Wafers, Mini Chips Ahoy! and now Triscuit minis, you guys are just phoning it in.

C’mon! We can do better! Let’s get out of the rut and do some real branding!

Let’s start with a few names the focus groups will absolutely hate, because that’s always fun to do and helps get it out of their systems…

Trisquarters

Lilliputriscuits

Fourthscuits

Runtriscuits

Diminuitriscuits

Shrimpscuits

Midgscuits

Shrunkscuits

And now several that might fare a little bit better…

Triscuit Petites

Triscuits for Dolls / Gnomes / Elves / Dwarves / Borrowers / etc.

Triscuit Bitscuits

Triscuit Runts (Whoops. Don’t wanna piss off Wonka. How about…)

Runty Triscuits

Now let’s try some consumer-friendly, mind-stickin’ alliteration and consonance…

Tiny Triscuits

Teeny Triscuits

Little Triscuits

And my personal favorites…

Triscuit Little Bits

Teensy-Weensy Triscuits

Teeny-Weeny Triscuits

Itty-Bitty Triscuits

While we’re at it, here’s a bonus suggestion for an umbrella brand name for your entire miniature product line…

NanoNabisco

You’re welcome. Now send me some money and move some units!

Love,
Clay

A Fluffy Farewell

Today my family said goodbye to our huge and fluffy country cat, Fluffy. He was 16.

Actually, he was Dad’s cat, selected from a litter of feral farm kittens somewhere up North not long after I had moved back to Bismarck.

My fondest memories have to be from the late 90s when Dad would occasionally drive into town, come in through the side door of the agency, walk up the stairs while carrying his surprisingly-well-behaved Fluffy in his arms, and look for me. Just to say hi.

Because that was the sort of thing that Dad did.

Dad and Fluffy made quite the pair. And Fluffy managed to live on for over eleven more years after Dad passed away. Mom took over where Dad left off.

But Fluffy had grown old. Limping. Confused. Mom called me during the day to tell me it was time. I agreed, but it still hurt.

I like to think that somewhere high up above, Dad heard a quiet mew that he hadn’t heard in a long, long time. Smiling, he turned around and looked down to see Fluffy staring back up at him. Dad bent down, scooped Fluffy up into his arms, and started walking around to show Fluffy off to his friends.

Because that’s the sort of thing that Dad does.

Rest in peace, Fluffy. And no bitey.

15 Upcoming Pizza Hut Innovations (patents pending)

The Pizzaco™
The Pizza Roll Pizza™
Turduckenza™
The Pizzuritto™
The 200-Piece Interlocking Pizza Puzzle™
The Vegan Pizza Containing Real Vegans™
The Pizza Box Made Of Pizza Containing A Pizza Made Of Cardboard™
Skynet Sentient Za™
The Monsanto™
Just Crust™
Upside-Down Pizza™
(invented by a clumsy delivery boy)
The Cheese-Stuffed-Meat-Stuffed-Cheese-Stuffed-Meat-Stuffed-Cheese-Stuffed Blobizza™
The Dodecagon™
The Percheron™
Zamen Noodles™

The best brands aren’t afraid to wink at you.

Little touches can have a big impact.

Photo is of the spiffy back flap of a Mezzetta envelope sent to me after an email correspondence regarding their discontinued Olives in Habanero Hot Sauce — a jar of fiery and unfathomable deliciousness that I hope and pray they will one day dis-discontinue.

I’m currently going through a case of shingles* and Mezzetta made me smile. Not a small feat.

*the medical condition, not the roofing material

Bullwinkle’s Résumé

Way back in 1994 as I was working a graveyard shift at Kinko’s Copy Center in Grand Forks, North Dakota, I decided to make the under-the-glass counter display of blank résumé paper samples a wee bit more interesting. This was the result.

I was bored.

Clayton’s Dayton’s

One of my deepest and darkest secrets is that for a brief period of time in high school, I used to sell suits and cologne at Dayton’s, a department store that would later became Marshall Field’s and then Macy’s. Dayton’s was also the parent company that gave birth to Target back in the 60s, well before my time.

I remember yuppies with yellow power ties favoring Xeryus by Givenchy, a scent that made me gag like a valley girl on a first date. Fish ties were also in vogue for some reason, if just for a moment. I also remember guys with “gentleman’s fit” bodies desperately wanting to fit into the “athletic fit” suits. Now all these years and pounds later, I finally understand why.