Category Archives: jus’ some writin’

Rebranding the Virus

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I imagine the guys who refuse to wear masks are the same guys who refuse to wear condoms.

Perhaps we should rebrand COVID-19 as Air AIDS.

Earlier, I considered rebranding COVID-19 as Death Breath, but that sounds like something that could be cured with a mint.

And originally, I thought we could change the Coronavirus’ name to Lung Gonorrhea, because Gonorrhea is one of the most awful-sounding words out there, but then I remembered that lung cancer is a very real thing but that doesn’t stop smokers from smoking. Until it does.

Grackles

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A grackle came,
And then another.
Maybe friend,
Or maybe brother.
Soon a gang,
So iridescent,
Eating seeds
Until tumescent.
I walked outside,
Which sent them packin’,
And now my yard
Is grackle-lackin’.

(Apologies to the Beastie Boys)

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Stuck at home because the
VIRUS

Barely clothed like Miley
CYRUS

Non-essential stores are
CLOSIN’

Cats are fed and now they’re
DOZIN’

How much longer will this
GO

I’m bad at playin’ domi-
NOS

Lookin’ for a mask, N-Ninety-
FIVE

Get in the car alone and
DRIVE

Give a high
FIVE
You’re still
ALIVE

Oh shit we gotta sani-
TIZE

Trump has pillaged, Trump has
PLUNDERED

But that’s ok cuz you get twelve
HUNDRED

Tough times call for PSA spokescharacters and catchy slogans.

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“Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.”
— Smokey Bear

“Give a hoot. Don’t pollute.”
— Woodsy Owl

“Give the virus no assistance! Wash your hands and keep your distance!”
— Soapy the Pandemic Panda

Poke up a fire and re-lax.

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Cold-reading the intro to Better Homes & Gardens Barbecue Book: Complete How-to for Outdoor Cooking. Glorious writing and illustration.

To Dream the Tangible Dream

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It’s possible that dreams where you can taste, smell or feel things are quite common, but I don’t seem to remember many of them. Last night, however, I had two of the “tangible” type.

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Always proofread.

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Food Panties.

Just my type.

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I thought I had a chance at this wonderfully odd Williams typewriter invented by John Newton Williams and the first typewriter where the typist could actually see what they just typed (Williams also invented one of the first helicopters and a 3-cylinder motorcycle). It was the first item up for auction. The typewriter went for $1,200. I did not have a chance.

Armour Hot Dogs Jingle 2019

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♬ Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs.
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox,
But not kids with measles,
Because thanks to their anti-vax parents,
They are now dead and can no longer
Love hot dogs, Armour hot dogs.
The dogs kids love to bite! 

Everyone would be in love with me.

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The kid who sings about wishing to be an Oscar Mayer wiener suffers from childhood deprivation, acting out in desperation to fill the void that cannot be filled. He will soon be consumed by his own emotional hunger, forever longing like a withered gas station roller dog.