The commercial opens in a cul-de-sac with ranch-style mid-1980s houses at daybreak.
A door opens, and Matthew McConaughey appears carrying a full kitchen garbage bag.
Not quite sure what to do, he sets it down in the middle of the driveway and goes back inside.
[Lincoln logo]
[Late afternoon in the United States Senate Chamber. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is addressing the room.]
Mitch McConnell: “…therefore, we all agree that President Donald Trump has the handsomest and firmest buttocks in Ameri… Lindsey, are you eating a cookie? You’re going to ruin your supper!”
Lindsey Graham: “Fuck off, Mitch. It’s not a cookie; it’s a Newton! Besides, what does it matter? We all sold our souls to the devil and that bloated cheeto* has dirt on us all!”
McConnell: “I say I say, how dare you insult our Dear Supreme Leader…”
Graham: “He calls you ‘Mitch the Bitch’ you know.”
McConnell: [Sputters Southernly]
Rand Paul: “Dammit, Lindsey! Are those my fuckin’ Newtons!?”
Graham: [stuffing more Newtons in his mouth] “No. Fuck off.”
[Paul tackles Graham. McConnell tries to reestablish dominance by inflating his neck wattle but is ignored. The rest of the Senators join the fracas.]
[A package of Nabisco Newtons appears on screen along with new tagline.]
Voiceover: “Fuck off. It’s a Newton!”
Singout: ♬ Na-bis-co! ♬
End.
*Used generically to annoy Frito-Lay.
After seeing a Dior Sauvage commercial, I have learned that Johnny Depp has no clue how to use a shovel.
Actual transcript from a Danimals commercial:
Girl: “What’s with the cool music?”
Boy: “We’ve been squeezefaced!”
Girl: “Squeezefaced?”
Boy: “From the deliciousness of Danimals Squeezables! Wanna get your squeeze on?”
Girl: “Bring it on!”
Boy: “Whoa! Cool!”
Girl: “It’s so good!”
Boy: “This is awesome!”
Boy: “Double squeezeface!”
Girl: “Look!”
Boy: “Whoa!”
Girl: “Wanna try one?”
Principal: “Wow!”
Boy and Girl: “School rocks!”
Girl: “New Danimals Squeezables!”
Boy: “Squeeze more fun into lunch!”
When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember that I don’t work on the Dannon Danimals account and then I don’t feel so bad.
I thought that TV commercial seemed familiar.
