EXT. OUTSIDE AT A CITY BUS STOP – DAY
A bus pulls up and its doors open. Inside it is a handful of riders scattered throughout the bus. In the back sits a stressed-out Sam Jacobs.

VO (Steven Wright):
Talk about luck of the draw. Other fellas you hear about got themselves angels, demons or even talking rabbits that only they can see and hear and talk to, but not Sam. Oh no, not good ol’ Sam. You see, Sam is blessed with a giant, talking sperm floating above his head that everybody can see and hear. Everybody, that is, except for him.

Understandably, this complicates his social life.

Hi. My name is Mister Spunky Whipperschmidt, and this is our story…

As other soldiers stationed in Iraq were receiving battle armor purchased and shipped over by their loving and concerned families, Private First Class Calvin Whittler discovered that his mother had a really f***ing twisted sense of humor.

Discerning that Chris was vulnerable after finishing off several bottles of drugged Heinekens, Doug made his move. Soon, Chris would either be indoctrinated and assimilated into the mysterious Tartan Bonobo cult, or Exalted High Priest Ted, watching patiently from behind, would sacrifice him in an elaborate and bloody ceremony “right after the Sunday Night Football post-game report.”

Recent studies indicate that some women are much more susceptible to the aphrodisiacal qualities of cacao’s theobromine than others.

On August 29th, 2007, 2:14pm Eastern Time, Tara Donnor’s newly-installed Terdinator Model 101 becomes self-aware.

Seconds later the ledge collapsed, but instead of plunging to their doom, Nils managed to grab onto Rolf’s leg and Rolf managed to grasp a large tree root. They dangled near the precipice for hours until a wandering bull moose, mistaking their cries for a cow in heat, joined them in a spinning and bellowing tangle of arms, legs and antlers hurtling to the crags far below.

It was the best vacation ever.

“Pssst. Hide the bottle, act cool and the cop might let us go with just a warning.”

Rather than going through the hassle and mess of decapitating any old zombie that happens to wander into your neighborhood, it is now considered good form to follow one of several more humane, and frankly, more entertaining alternatives as written in the classic guide, Limitar el Zombi (English translation ©1998). Shown here is the “Stevie Wonder,” where you simply blindfold the zombie (easily done from behind) and hand it a stick that you loudly refer to as the leg of Celine Dion. Much merriment will be had by all.

Ronald McDonald becomes a germaphobe.