High Priestess: Oh Mighty Tefnut, Egyptian Goddess of Moisture, we beseech thee to douse our arid and sorrowful pores with your blessings.

All: Protect us from Xeroderma, that evil bitch. Make our skin lustrous, smooth, soft and rich.

High Priestess: And if it’s not too much trouble, Larry’s been acting like a real jerk to me again, so if you’d smite him or something, I’d really appreciate it.

All: Tefnut lovely. Tefnut wise. Tefnut give us creamy thighs.

High Priestess: And could you hurry it up already? I’m starting to get serious sandgina down here.

Little Tabitha couldn’t remember ever having a better, happier, funner or more perfecter day in all her life.

But even after the circus and the carnival and the pony ride and the pretty balloons and all the candy and the ice cream and now winding down for the evening in the back yard, she just couldn’t wait until these two strangers took her for another ride in their big shiny spaceship where she could spin and twirl and float in zero gravity, shoot brightly-colored plasma pulse lasers at orbiting satellites and visit her parents who were still sleeping in the special carbon-based-biped stasis probepods.

Did you know? As of 2004, giving a gag gift under the guise that it’s jewelry is now considered incontrovertible grounds for divorce in 36 states.

“I, Connor Conniption, rogue N.S.A. agent, have tracked the elusive Estée Bin Lauder to an innocent-looking perfume kiosk at the Mall of America. Using my tiger-like stealth, I have remained thus far undetected, and will initiate Pounce, Tackle and Arrest Sequence 7-B just as soon as I finish urinating.”

In a huge setback for the budding neonostalgia technology industry, test market researchers discovered a fatal glitch in their prototype Stepford Grandma gynoid appliance, in which the novelty Norma Bates Berserkerbot application would activate from a single, innocuous clap.

“Item number five on the agenda for today: Bargain Bob’s Rent2Own is repossessing our table thanks to that damn fool Frank over here defaulting on the payments AGAIN. I make a motion to have Frank whacked in the sack with a ball-peen hammer three times by each member of the board, including himself. All those in favor….”

In the time it takes me to piss, I earn more money than the combined GNP of several European countries. I can bed any woman I so choose. I can destroy an emerging competitor with a flick of my wrist and get anyone elected with but a single nod. I am respected and feared by all. And yet, and yet, no matter how hard I train or how badly I cheat, I can’t beat my Filipina head housekeeper’s son at Mario Party 8.

Buck thought that he was being clandestine and discreet, but it was just a matter of time until Becky discovered the hard way that he was back off the Copenhagen wagon.