As rising industrial chemicals magnate Dalton Dundergras scanned the foyer, he felt his heart swell with pride and accomplishment over the elite class of society he finally found himself an integral part of.
And if he ever found the wisenheimer who coated the handrail with his company’s prototype InstaBond GigaGlue 5.0 Engineering Adhesive (patent pending), he made a promise to himself that their death would be slow, painful and unnecessarily inventive.
A-T T-H-E B-E-A-C-H J-U-S-T F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D B-U-R-Y-I-N-G F-I-V-E D-O-Z-E-N E-G-G-S I-N T-H-E S-A-N-D A-N-D T-O-L-D T-H-E C-O-N-T-A-C-T P-O-S-I-N-G A-S A L-I-F-E-G-U-A-R-D T-H-A-T I W-A-S A S-E-A T-U-R-T-L-E B-U-T H-E D-I-D-N-T R-E-S-P-O-N-D I-N P-R-O-P-E-R C-O-D-E O-R G-I-V-E M-E T-H-E M-I-C-R-O-B-L-U-E-P-R-I-N-T-S T-O T-H-E R-U-S-S-I-A-N D-E-V-I-C-E A-M G-R-O-W-I-N-G C-O-N-C-E-R-N-E-D T-H-A-T M-Y C-O-V-E-R I-S B-L-O-W-N A-W-A-I-T-I-N-G F-U-R-T-H-E-R I-N-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-O-N-S F-R-O-M C-E-N-T-R-A-L C-O-M-M-A-N-D P-L-E-A-S-E H-U-R-R-Y A-G-E-N-T L-O-G-G-E-R-H-E-A-D O-U-T
Cooter Scooterberg kept his #32 stock car in neutral and idling, occasionally revving the engine to make the kids think they were winning. After a few seconds of teasing thus, he dropped the hammer, took off and easily won the tug-o-war contest, handing out nine serious cases of third-degree rope burn in the process.
It was the best Calagulah Speedway Annual Orphan Day and Picnic ever!
After winning the Mega Millions lottery, Maurice quit his job as a copywriter and spent his days hanging out at the neighborhood grocer, challenging random shoppers to “take a number” dispenser lunge races.
Although it was usually pretty spiffy having a wife who was born and raised a witch, a real downer was Leftover Soup Saturday, a weekly side effect of what Aaron and the kids secretly referred to as “Failed Potion Friday.”
While not nearly as cool as a magic school bus or as handy as a magic carpet bag and umbrella, the constant threat of being incinerated by Ms. Puffworth’s Fiery Orb of Hasty Judgment for the slightest infraction tended to keep the children alert, obedient and well-behaved during their many outings.
Back home from the clinic, Lonna practiced over and over in her head how she was going to break the news to her husband Wayne when he came home from work.
After months of exhaustive testing with an increasingly frustrated team of medical specialists, her worst fears were finally confirmed — She had Type IV Cooties.
After seven years of unsuccessfully trying to grow their tree-worshipping doomsday cult, Heaven’s Stump (?? out of ?????, Cult-Q Review), Cambium and Pinelope Lindquist resigned themselves to a fate arguably worse than the Logpocalypse — telemarketing last-chance Kenmore maintenance agreements for Sears, Roebuck and Co.
At precisely 3:05pm, day after day, week after week, Larry would enter Jane’s Java Joint, order an extra-wet triple shot cappuccino and sit down at a table facing the front door. Then, every time a woman entered the coffee shop, he would make rather exaggerated and quite unpleasant slurping noises into his mug while staring at her breasts.
In a final, desperate attempt to stave off her shop’s falling sales and impending bankruptcy, Jane became sponsor of a local women’s fastpitch softball team and invited them over for a free coffee at precisely 3:10pm.
Never had she fallen so quickly and completely in love. His eyes pierced through the dark and quickened her heart like a frenzied jungle drum. His scent was one of bergamot and guaiac with just a hint of tonka bean. His clothes were crisp and impeccably tailored.
And then she noticed the toilet paper stuck to his Salvatore Ferragamos.