Ever since the pharmaceutical industry succeeded in the dismantling of the pesky FDA, many exciting and new co-branding ventures have proven to be extremely lucrative. For example, Melitta’s Psilocybin Hazelnut Creme With A Touch Of Xanax is now the #2-selling coffee in the United States.

After a long but mediocre career in the phone sex trade, “Hot Lips” Hildegard retired from the business and started working part time as an Arby’s drive-thru order taker in order to make ends meet. However, due to an unfortunate side-effect of her carbuncle medication, she’d sometimes get confused and slip into her old routine.

Thanks to the continued secret pharmacological tainting of the country’s commercial bottled water supply, Americans are more easily frightened than ever before.

Although rumours swirled around her during the school years, it wasn’t settled once and for all until years later when Josephine Pujol finally agreed to be examined by a certified group of medical and mental health professionals. Only then was it properly observed, verified and documented that, yes indeed, she farted sunshine.

For the most part, it was a morning much like any other morning for Larry Birch, master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town. He spent the first couple of hours going around his office easily convincing the world at hand that he was a master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town. And the world at hand politely listened, knowing that nothing could be further from the truth but that if they spoke up, their lives would be turned into a living hell by Larry Birch, master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town.

So when he felt his chest tighten and pain shoot down his left arm during that fatal heart attack late in the morning that was, for the most part, a morning much like any other morning except for the whole heart attack thing, he fell down to the ground as his vision turned to black knowing full well that he would surely be rewarded in the afterlife for being such a master used car salesman and suave, debonaire and studly playboy about town.

He woke up reincarnated as a rawhide bone chew toy lovingly owned and masticated by Wuffles the Third, a fun-loving Great Dane with a minor incontinence problem.

Thanks to a faulty curtain rod on a late Saturday morning, the neighborhood reluctantly became aware of Mrs. Hornstocke’s adventurous foray into the lurid world of niche live adult webcam sites to supplement her meager retirement income.

Although not widely known and even less lauded, Lo Bang is the last living master of Fang Pi, the forbidden martial art of dragon’s thunder.

Thursday, May 5th, 1994: Buck Björnsen and Isaac J. Pinkerton isolate the nerd gene.

Unimpressed, Mr. Jacobs fails them both after discovering an empty can of Reddi Wip in Buck’s backpack, and for the simple fact that if they had actually read the assignment and done their homework like everybody else, they would have known that they were supposed to be searching for single-celled organisms in samples of tap water brought from home.

Saturday, May 24, 2008 – In a daring brand extension repackaging scheme to increase sales and create a new mass-market product category without spending any money on R&D, the world is introduced to the Pre-Oral-B Cooterbrush.